


Mouth Full of White Lies

by discountalien



Category: Persona 3
Genre: Addiction, I swear there's a happy ending, M/M, Withdrawal, i'm so sorry Akihiko, mostly canon compliant until the end, so much fucking angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-25 05:50:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12029484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discountalien/pseuds/discountalien
Summary: Akihiko's not one to give up easily, especially not when it comes to Shinji. He still regrets letting Shinji walk out two years ago, so when his best friend decides to come back, Akihiko is determined not to let go this time.Shinjiro is terrified of hurting Akihiko, so when his friend bares a little too much of his heart, Shinji tries to shut Akhiko out for his own sake. After all, Shinji probably won't survive to see his next birthday, so he might as well make it easy for Akihiko to move on.Shinji forgets to take into account just how stubborn Aki can be. Akihiko gets blindsided by forces out of his control.Title is from Ghost by Halsey, and it's honestly the most Shinji/Aki song I can think of.





	1. the body sleeping next to me

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly canon-compliant. However, for story-telling purposes, Shinji ends up in a coma instead of dying, despite it being Minato's timeline and not FemMC. Very Shinji/Aki centric, with a little bit of Mitsuru 3rd person POV at the very end.
> 
> Quotes in italics and chapter titles are lyrics from Ghost by Halsey.

_I'm searching for something that I can't reach_

-

 

What was he supposed to say with Akihiko screaming at him like this? To rely on him? God, it wasn't like - it wasn't like he didn't want to. He wanted to so much that it fucking hurt, hurt more than the side effects of the suppressants even. It had to hurt, having half of his heart breaking to pieces right in front of him.

Akihiko's voice was thick with tears, but fuck it if Shinji was going to let things get carried away. It was better to just cut the cord and let whatever remained of their friendship die. It would hurt Aki less that way. So instead of taking the easy route and burying his face in Akihiko's shoulder, he spat out some kind of rejection and walked away. He forced himself not to look back, but he could feel his best friend's eyes following him until he turned the corner at the end of the street.

 

_-_

_I don't like them innocent_

_-_

 

He'd said too much. Akihiko couldn't bring himself to feel guilty about it. Shinji was taking fucking drugs and they were killing him and how could he expect Akihiko to be even remotely okay with that?

But still, Akihiko had said too much and fucked things up between them again. He shouldn't have yelled at Shinji like that, or made his feelings so fucking obvious.

Before the accident, Akihiko had felt like there was something between them, maybe. Some chance that Shinji might return his stupid crush. But that was years ago. He was eighteen now, and gods he was too young for this shit. Too young to be out every night fighting to save the world, to have his best friend running headfirst for death's door.

He'd promised Miki he'd be stronger, strong enough to protect everyone he cared about, but he didn't feel strong. He was so fucking tired of being strong. He just wanted everyone to be safe.

 

_-_

_I don't want no face fresh_

_-_

 

Shinji heard footsteps coming up the stairs behind him, stopping at the top of the landing. He knew it was Aki. Who else would stop and just stand there in silence like that? Maybe Arisato, but that blue-haired asshole would probably just keep walking.

It was maybe half a minute before Shinji heard Akihiko turn and retreat down the hall. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. It was going to be absolute hell to shut Aki out. But it was better this way. Akihiko was too fucking good. He deserved better than some washed up, broken excuse for a person.

After a while, Shinji got up and went to his room. Even if he was going to die soon, the team was counting on him, and the last thing they needed was for him to be too tired to keep up.

But the moment his door closed behind him, he flinched. The dorm walls were thin, and there was a quiet sniffling coming from the other side of the wall he shared with Akihiko. Shinji only hesitated for a moment before crossing the room to sit with his ear pressed to the wall like some kind of masochist.

"Miki, I'm gonna lose him. I don't want to lose Shinji too. I don't know what to do." Akihiko's voice cracked and Shinji felt his chest seize at the sound of Aki's muffled sobbing. "Nothing I do is enough, Miki. He won't let me in anymore. I really fucked up tonight."

And gods, Shinji wanted to scream at that stupid boy, because it wasn't Aki who fucked up. He was already doing so much more than Shinji deserved.

"I'm so tired, Miki. I'm not strong enough for this."

Fuck it, he couldn't let this go on. Shinji sprang to his feet and left his room. He stopped in front of Akihiko's door and hesitated before knocking twice. There was a muffled swearing and a few quiet thumps before the door cracked open.

Aki stared up at him, eyes rimmed red even in the dim light. "What is it, Shinji?"

Shinji ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't exactly admit that he'd eavesdropped on Akihiko talking to his dead sister. "I, uh. I wanted to apologize. For earlier."

It shouldn't have hurt so much to see Aki's eyes go bright like that.

"You don't have to lie to me, Shinji," Akihiko said, and he was good at hiding the evidence of his crying, but Shinji could still hear a slight rasp to his voice. "We both know you don't mean that."

And it wasn't bitter so much as it was resigned, and that was just too much on top of everything else.

"Can I come in?"

Akihiko sighed and scrubbed at his face. "Since when do you have to ask, Shinji? My door's always open for you."

He stepped back and Shinji slipped inside. To his credit, he waited until Akihiko had closed the door before dragging his friend into the tightest hug he could manage.

" _Shinjiro, what the fuck?_ " Aki blurted, tensing up like a cornered animal.

"You need to give up on me, Aki," Shinji said, burying his face in Akihiko's shoulder. "Please, Aki."

"You know I can't. You _know_ that _._ "

Shinji made a frustrated growl. "I'm a lost cause, Aki. Even if I give up the drugs right now, I've been taking them so long that if the side effects don't kill me, the withdrawal will," he admitted, his voice sharper than he intended. "Aki, I can't let you feel guilty about this."

Akihiko stayed silent and Shinji quietly panicked. It wasn't until his shoulder turned warm and damp that he realized he'd made Aki cry _again_.

"No, shit, stop that," Shinji growled. "Don't fucking cry over me."

Akihiko closed his fists around the lapels of Shinji's coat and screamed into the threadbare wool. "I'm going to cry if I feel like it," he gasped, shaking in Shinji's arms. "And I am _not_ letting go. I'm going to get you off those fucking suppressants and you're going to _live_."

All Shinji could do was nod. Akihiko rarely lost his calm like this, but when he did, there was no arguing to be done. It was just a fact of life that when Akihiko reached the end of his fuse, there was nothing that could stop him.

Shinji was going to get clean, and he was going to live.

 

_-_

_Want them wearing leather_

_-_

 

It started with Akihiko going over every inch of Shinji's room and removing every single stash of suppressants he could find. He even went as far as having Koromaru sniff through Shinji's things. The pills got flushed, and Akihiko felt a little of the weight on his shoulders ease. Good fucking riddance.

Mitsuru took Junpei and Yukari to the market to stock up on canned food. Shinji was the only decent cook in the dorm, and he was going to be out of commission for at least a week. Mitsuru didn't say anything, but the hopeful light in her eyes was all the confirmation Akihiko needed. She was just as relieved as he was.

After scouring the bathroom a final time, Akihiko barricaded himself inside with Shinji, who was already starting to show symptoms.

The tall, lanky boy was shivering, his face glistening with cold sweat, and the circles under his eyes had turned bruise-purple. Akihiko sat down next to him and leaned back against the side of the bathtub.

"Aki, I'm not sure about this anymore."

Akihiko grabbed Shinji's hand and squeezed hard. "We're not leaving this bathroom until you're clean."

"But what if Castor gets out and I can't control him?"

"Stop trying so hard to control him, Shinji. Castor is a part of you. You need to make peace with him."

"I don't know if I can do that, Aki. Should we even be doing this at the dorm? If Castor goes berserk again, the team's gonna get hurt."

"This is the best place for you to be right now. Everyone outside knows what the risks are, and they're ready to deal with whatever shit happens. And Mitsuru sent Ken away, so you don't have to worry about the kid."

"But what about you? You're in here with me, you can't run if something happens."

"I have Polydeuces to protect me."

Shinji fell silent, all his lines of argument exhausted it seemed. He dropped his head to Akihiko's shoulder and let his eyes fall closed. "I'm scared, Aki."

"I know, Shinji" Akihiko mumbled, pressing his nose to Shinji's hair. "I know."

 

_-_

_Begging, let me be your taste test_

_-_

 

They were six hours in when withdrawal started in earnest. Shinji fought the waves of nausea, but he knew he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. Akihiko's arms were solid and warm around his shoulders, but they did nothing to ease the pain that was building in his gut.

"Shhh, it's going to be okay," Aki said, wiping Shinji's forehead with a damp cloth. "You're doing great."

And Shinji wanted to protest that he wasn't some kind of child who needed encouragement, but Akihiko's voice was so fucking _nice_. It was even more soothing than the washcloth.

  

By nightfall, Shinji had lost track of how many times he'd emptied his stomach into the toilet. He was so fucking cold, and Akihiko's hands might as well have been made of fire.

Akihiko pressed the mouth of a bottle to his lips, and Shinji shook his head weakly. "C'mon Shinji, you need to drink this. I know it feels shitty, but you have to drink or you'll die."

God, Aki knew him too fucking well, because Shinji opened his mouth and let Akihiko pour a thin trickle of Gatorade into his mouth. Swallowing was an ordeal, but somehow he managed and Akihiko rubbed gentle circles into his back.

"That wasn't so bad, right?"

All he could manage in reply was an annoyed grunt.

Aki chuckled and held him closer. "You're going to be okay, Shinji."

It hurt too much to shake his head, so Shinji just buried his nose in Aki's shirt and breathed in deep.

 

Shinji started panicking as the night stretched out. Akihiko had taken his phone and his pocketwatch, so he had no way of knowing when the Dark Hour would begin.

But Castor knew, and just as the light took on that nauseating green cast, that bastard broke free. Shinji tried to force him back, begged his Persona to disappear. But Castor just reared back, ignoring Shinji, and kicked at the walls. There was no way they were just ordinary plaster and drywall, barely showing any kind of damage in the face of Castor's rampaging.

"Aki, get out!" He was going to get hurt, oh god, Shinji was going to hurt Aki, he was going to kill his best friend, he was going to kill Aki, and _why wasn't he_ _leaving?_

Akihiko shook his head. Holding tight to Shinji with one arm, he raised his Evoker and summoned Polydeuces.

"I'm not afraid of Castor."

Lightning met fire, and their Personas shattered into shards of light. Akihiko set his Evoker down and pulled Shinji close again.

"Aki, I'm sorry," Shinji gasped, still reeling from the high of his Persona operating uninhibited for the first time in two years. "I'm sorry."

Akihiko hushed him again, callused fingers combing through Shinji's sweat-damp hair. "It's okay, Shinji, I'm okay. Castor didn't hurt me."

Shinji opened his mouth to protest, but a sudden stab of pain stole his breath. "A - ki, he's -"

There was another tell-tale tinkle of shattering glass, and their Personas surged out to grapple again, stifled by the bathroom walls.

"Don't worry, Shinji," Akihiko said, impossibly calm. "Don't worry."

Shinji felt Castor shatter and settle, and Aki slumped slightly, coming down from the adrenaline high of calling out Polydeuces.

There was a faint knock on the door, and Mitsuru's steady voice filtered through. "Akihiko?"

"We're all good," he answered. "How long do we have left?"

"Still forty minutes to go."

Aki gave Shinji's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "We'll get through this, Shinji."

 

_-_

_I like the sad eyes, bad guys_

_-_

 

Akihiko peeled his fingers from the handle of his Evoker, arms trembling. Castor was getting stronger with each appearance and that was _good_. But Shinji was falling apart, begging for those fucking pills, begging Akihiko to leave.

"I'm not leaving, Shinji," Akihiko said, gritting his teeth. He focused on slowing his pulse and took a deep breath. "You're doing so well."

"I can't control him, Aki," Shinji protested for the thousandth time.

"Stop trying to. You have to stop fighting him. Let him work with you."

"Aki, I can't."

"If you keep fighting him, pushing him down, ignoring what he's trying to tell you, you're just going to make shit worse," Akihiko growled. He grabbed a can of corned beef and peeled the lid open. "Eat. You have to keep your strength up."

He dug a spoon in the canned meat and waited for Shinji to open his mouth. "C'mon, don't be so stubborn."

Shinji sat up, shivering, and accepted the food silently. At least he wasn't throwing up anymore, even if he was too weak to sit up on the toilet without help. It was gross, but Akihiko wasn't fazed by it. There wasn't much to be embarrassed about when Akihiko had already helped Shinji through food poisoning twice when they were younger. The orphanage hadn't exactly been concerned about food safety. Or any kind of safety.

"I don't know what he wants to tell me," Shinji muttered after finishing the can of meat.

"That's because you're focusing too hard on trying to shut him up," Akihiko said. "Just. Let him out, Shinji. I won't let him hurt anyone."

Shinji curled his hand around Akihiko's weakly and nodded. "Fine, Aki. I'll try."

 

_-_

_Mouth full of white lies_

_-_

 

Power flared up in Shinji's veins, and he tensed before forcing himself to breathe. Akihiko squeezed his hand as Castor manifested, for once strangely calm.

His Persona's voice rang in his head, a gravelly baritone. "So you've finally stopped fighting me."

"Fuck you," Shinji spat, and Akihiko flinched. "All you've done for me is ruin that poor kid's life."

"You were young, Shinjiro. What happened was hardly your fault. My power was too much for you then."

"You're my fucking Persona! I'm _supposed_ to be able to control you!"

"You can no more control my power than you can tell the waves to crash or the winds to blow. All you can do is build a ship and hoist the sails when the time calls for it. Your childhood inexperience may have been to blame for the death of Amada, but you are no longer a child, Shinjiro. You are strong enough now to handle my power. But Akihiko is right. You cannot hope to contain me, because we are one and the same. You have a choice. Either rise to meet your fate, accept the mantle of your Persona, and stand by your friend as you are meant to. Or, deny it, and fade to nothing but a bitter memory haunting his mind for the rest of his days."

Shinji swallowed, his mouth dry. Castor had made no attempt to hide who he meant. Would it really hurt Akihiko that badly if Shinji were to just die? He'd barely been part of Aki's life for the last two years, and he'd barely spoken to him since he came back to S.E.E.S.

But.

Aki was here with him in this awful, claustrophobic bathroom, wasn't he? He hadn't left the whole time, and gods, it had been a long time. Aki was there for every last minute, for Shinji's desperate attempts at escaping through the tiny windows above the shower, nevermind that they were on the second floor.

And that was only the second day, the delirium of withdrawal giving him adrenaline-induced strength. The third night, Akihiko had to physically restrain him from breaking the shower doors - he'd already had the foresight to remove anything else sharp enough to break skin. Shinji could still remember the feel of Akihiko's arms around his neck in a sleeper hold. When he woke, the shower doors were gone, along with every last screw. The sink cabinets were still doorless, taunting reminders of just how little control Shinji had over his Persona.

Shinji squeezed his eyes shut. Akihiko had said it wasn't about control. And Castor had said the same thing, hadn't he? It wasn't - it wasn't about control.

He couldn't control the ocean of Castor's power, but he could sail its waves. Hoist the canvas. Man the helm. He could captain this ship, and keep its passengers safe. And if the whole fucking world was hitching a ride, well, he'd have to protect them, too.

He'd have Aki at his side, wouldn't he? His first mate. And Mitsuru too, his navigator. And even those gods-damned underclassmen.

"Okay, Castor. I accept."

 

_-_

_Kiss me in the corridor_

_-_

 

Akihiko woke up with the worst crick in his neck. He tilted his head back and forth, and his neck gave a series of satisfying cracks. Shinji grumbled something sleepily. Akihiko smiled and rubbed his neck, the weight in his chest the lightest it had been since Shinji left.

Shinji was going to be okay. He wasn't sweating anymore, and he'd finally stopped shaking sometime during the night. His skin wasn't so fucking cold anymore either. He didn't exactly look _good_ , but something fundamental had changed after his talk with Castor, and Akihiko could see it. When Shinji fell asleep last night, it was without fear.

Akihiko ran his fingers through Shinji's hair absently. He looked so much younger asleep like this, the frown lines and permanent scowl relaxed into something soft and vulnerable.

Shinji's eyes opened slowly, blinking at the golden morning light. "Aki?"

"Still here."

After a minute, Shinji lifted his hand as if to touch Akihiko's face. He stopped short, and Akihiko took Shinji's hand in his own and squeezed it tightly.

"I . . . I don't feel like shit."

Akihiko couldn't help it. He cried, hot tears streaming down his face and turning his laughter into a hiccupy mess. "Fuck, Shinji."

"Hey, no more crying," Shinji protested, struggling to sit up. "I did this so you'd stop crying over me."

Akihiko scowled. "You were supposed to do this for yourself, not me."

Shinji blinked at him and turned his head. "That _was_ doing it for me," he said. Akihiko could have sworn his friend's face was turning pink. "I hate seeing you sad."

The laugh that tore itself from Akihiko's throat was bitter and mirthless. "Gods, Shinji. How do you think I've felt ever since you left?" He sighed and shook his head. "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Fuck knows you're already managing that just fine."

Shinji wriggled until he was sitting facing Akihiko and grabbed both of his hands. "Aki, I really fucking hate seeing you sad. I hated myself for making you feel that way. I've been so busy being angry everything and everyone, and it's fucking exhausting, Aki. I'm sick of it. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want you to be sad anymore."

It was Akihiko's turn to blush, and he knew that his pale skin was well on its way to turning tomato red. "Shinji -"

"Aki, can I kiss you?"

" _What?_ " Shinji froze and stammered something like an apology, land Akihiko had to stop himself from screaming. "Shinji, stop. Just. Just repeat what you said. I want to make sure I heard you right."

Shinji fidgeted, looking anywhere but at Akihiko's eyes. "I, er. I want to kiss you."

"You do?"

Shinji gave a single strangled "Yeah?"

Akihiko frowned. "Why? I - I'm nothing special. I thought you'd go after Mitsuru."

"Gods, no," Shinji said immediately. "No offense to her, but I could never. And you are so much more than just _special_. It was you I grew up with. You're the one who dragged my ungrateful ass in here and stuck with me through the whole thing. You're the one who - who makes my world just a little bit brighter."

Akihiko rubbed his eyes and groaned. "Fuck, Shinji, Aegis was right about you. You're such a fucking sap."

"I'm going to murder that robot."

"Don't," Akihiko drawled. "Minato would kill you, and this would all be for nothing."

Shinji shook his head and allowed his mouth to curl into a faint smile. "You still haven't given me an answer."

Akihiko pulled his hands out of Shinji's grip and cupped his face carefully. "God, Shinji. You don't know how long I've wanted this." He knew he was crying again, but it was like some wall inside him had finally broken, and the floodgates were open. "Please, Shinji."

It wasn't magical. Not even close. But it was _good_ and _right_ , and it felt like the broken things he hadn't even realized he had inside him were being put back together, piece by piece. It was light and warm and so, so gentle, Shinji's lips rough and chapped from dehydration. There would be time enough for fiercer kisses. Right now, this was all that Akihiko wanted.

Shinji pulled away just enough to let them both breathe, pressing their faces together, forehead to forehead and nose to nose.

"Aki, I'm sorry it took me so long to get my shit together."

"All that matters to me is that you're here now," Akihiko said, curling his fingers around Shinji's hair. "You're here, and you're going to be okay, and _we're_ going to be okay."

"I know."

 

_-_

_But quick to tell me goodbye_

-

 

The moment Shinji saw Ken the first time since getting clean, he knew that the kid had figured out the truth. Mitsuru and Akihiko were operating under willful ignorance, and that was fine. It was already so much more than Shinji deserved, just having these last few weeks with his friends.

And Akihiko was right about Castor. Accepting his Persona was what he'd needed to do all along. The past few trips to Tartarus had been so much easier to handle, his energy and attention no longer split between holding Castor at bay and fighting the Shadows. Shinji was acutely aware of his Persona prickling beneath his skin. But it no longer felt like a monster he had to wrestle into submission.

But when Ken asked Shinji to meet him in that cursed back alley, Shinji accepted.

He'd fixed things with Aki, and the last few weeks had been nothing short of perfect. They'd had to make up for so much lost time, but that was just the price Shinji had to pay for running from his problems.

He'd learned a million tiny, precious details about Akihiko. He was softest and sweetest just after waking up, hair mussed and cheek bearing the impression of his wrinkled pillowcase. For all he was fierce and competitive and relentless in his training, he liked cuddling more than sex. That Aki's moonlight-silver hair was softer than Shinji had ever imagined, and his skin was always warmer than expected. His boxer's hands, callused and scarred, were surprisingly elegant, slender fingers and slender wrists. Akihiko liked pork shoyu ramen and any kind of sushi that had unagi in it. He liked sleek black motorcycles that growled and purred. He liked tulips the color of fire. He liked sleeping in late and kissing Shinji goodnight.

He liked - no, _loved_ Shinji.

He loved Shinji, and if Shinji had to die tonight, at least he'd go out knowing that.

 

_-_

_You say that you're no good for me_

-

 

Akihiko felt the gunshots as if it were his own body being ripped open.

" _Shinji!_ " He fell to his knees next to Shinji, who was collapsed on top of a panicking Ken. "Fuck, Shinji, _no_."

"A- ki."

"I'm here," Akihiko told him, tugging him off of Ken and onto his lap. "I'm here."

But Shinji was looking at Ken, even as Akihiko tore off his vest to try and staunch the bleeding. Shinji, struggled to speak. "You don't have to stop being angry right away, kid. But you're only a kid. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it like I did."

Akihiko forced back his tears as Shinji turned to face him. "You're going to be fine, Shinji, we'll get you to a hospital and -"

"Aki. Take care of him, will you?"

And Akihiko wanted to scream, because it was Ken's fault Shinji was here at all. It was Ken's fault that Shinji was bleeding out in this cursed alley instead of walking home to the dorms with Akihiko. It was Ken's fault - but Ken was a fucking child, and none of them deserved any of this bullshit, and him least of all. Akihiko took a ragged breath and forced himself to nod. "Of course, Shinji. I will."

"'M sorry, Aki. 'M sorry - for breaking - my promise. I wanted - to live - for you."

" _Shinji._ Don't talk like that, you're going to be okay," Akihiko protested.

Shinji's mouth curled at the corners, and he lifted a hand weakly. Akihiko grimaced at the memory of the dorm bathroom and the hopeful smile that Shinji had worn then. He grabbed Shinji's hand and flinched when the blood between their gloves made his grip slide.

"Don't look at me like that, Aki. We had a good run. This is how it should be," Shinji managed. He held Akihiko's gaze for a moment, eyes half-lidded, before his grip went slack and his eyes fell closed.

Fuck, _no! No_ , Shinji, _please_ ," Akihiko cried, clutching at Shinji's coat. "Please, Shinji, don't leave me."

"Sanada senpai?" Fuuka piped up softly. "I still detect a pulse from Arigaki senpai. The Dark Hour is almost over, there's a chance we can still save him."

Bless Fuuka's heart. Akihiko tried to keep his anger in check as he followed her careful instructions. Shinji had been shot in the back, so they had to roll him over to fight gravity. Mitsuru held Shinji's head off the ground while Akihiko and Minato applied pressure to the wounds. The sirens took too long to approach, but somehow Shinji was still breathing, heart still beating, if only just.

The paramedics would only let one of them sit in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and there was no question that it should be Akihiko.

"We'll be right behind you," Mitsuru assured him. Stay with Shinjiro, I'll take care of everyone else."

Akihiko could only nod as the paramedics shut the doors and they sped off.

 

_-_

_'Cause I'm always tugging at your sleeve_

_-_

 

Mitsuru watched Akihiko sit at Shinji's bedside, talking to his unconscious partner quietly. Things had gone so wrong so quickly, and Mitsuru couldn't help feeling like it was somehow her fault. If she'd just talked to Ken, instead of trying to hide Shinjiro's mistake. Or if she'd kept the group together, instead of letting them break off on their own. How had that escaped her attention?

"Kirijo-san, Sanada-san, the doctor would like to have a word with you."

Akihiko went silent and looked up. Mitsuru nodded, and the nurse stepped out to let the doctor in. The middle-aged man wore a sympathetic expression, his stethoscope held in his hands. A tremor of dread ran down Mitsuru's spine.

"What is it?" Akihiko asked, uncharacteristically rude. His gloved hand was laced with Shinjiro's, fingers intertwined.

"Unfortunately, despite the successful surgeries, it seems that Shinjiro's preexisting health complications are interfering with his recovery. Physically, he is doing well, better than expected, even. But we don't know when or if he'll wake up."

Mitsuru's eyes widened. "What are you saying? That he's stuck in a coma?"

The doctor nodded. "Essentially, yes. The best we can do is keep him on life support, unless you decide otherwise. Shinjiro's medical records list you two as his next of kin, so in this situation,if you think it best, you may have him taken off the machines."

"Like hell, we're doing that," Akihiko snapped, his eyes flashing. Mitsuru placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him.

"I apologize for Akihiko's tone, but he is right. We won't be taking Shinji off life support. Not while there is any chance that he might recover. My family is more than able to pay for his care."

"Of course. Excuse me, I must tend to my other patients now."

Akihiko turned back to Shinji without a word, his scowl softening into something between a grimace and a smile. Mitsuru pulled up a chair beside her friend.

"I'll have my father transfer Shinji to our private medical facility. Perhaps we'll be able to do more for him there, with researchers who understand Personas and the Dark Hour."

Akihiko nodded. "Thanks, Mitsuru."

"He's my friend too, Akihiko. And I know how much he matters to you. We're going to get through this."

"That's what I told him. Stupid bastard actually believed me."

"It's not your fault that Shinjiro got hurt. It was Strega who hurt him, and we're going to stop them."

Akihiko nodded and stood. "In that case, I guess we should head back to the dorm. I can't afford to be off my game. I'll see you soon, Shinji." 

 

_-_

_And I swear I hate you when you leave_  
_I like it anyway_


	2. the soul that you used to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akihiko is so fucking tired of seeing his friends end up in hospital beds.
> 
> I promised a happy ending, and here it is. There's quite a bit of angst to wade through first, but I swear it's a happy ending.

_I'm off the deep end, sleeping_

_-_

 

It had been a month since Minato sealed Nyx and stopped the Fall. Akihiko knew this, because his memories all came flooding back on the night of the January full moon.

The team was gathered in the Kirijo Group's private medical facility. Minato had been trapped in some kind of unnatural sleep ever since the team got their memories back a week ago, and Akihiko was running out of steam. He didn't have enough left in him to feel anything, and he sat next to Shinji's bed, only half-listening as the doctors explained that Minato had collapsed out of some kind of acute exhaustion. Akihiko almost believed it, given all they'd been through the past year. Gods knew Akihiko was too fucking tired to keep taking on all this grief.

Everyone filed out as the night drew on, until it was just Aigis and Mitsuru.

"Akihiko, please don't stay up too long. I know this year has been especially hard for you, but you need to take care of yourself."

Akihiko nodded, waving her off. "Yeah, I know. I just want to stay here with Shinji a bit longer."

"Of course. Goodnight, you two."

Aigis came over to Akihiko's side and gave him an awkward pat on the shoulder.

"Aragaki-san cared about you very much, Sanada-san. You made him very happy, based on his heart rate and brainwaves while in your presence."

Akihiko winced at Aigis speaking of Shinji in past tense. There wasn't a better way to phrase it, and her social skills were still lacking, but it still hurt. "Did he really?"

"Yes, Sanada-san. In fact, in the month before his injury, he spent a lot of time looking for an apartment. Specifically, one that is near a school, allows dogs, and has a twenty-four hour gym. I believe he intended to move out of the dorm with you, Ken-kun, and Koromaru-chan."

Well, _fuck_.

"He never said anything about that to me," Akihiko muttered," laying his head down on the bed next to Shinji's arm.

"Perhaps he wished to wait until S.E.E.S' mission was completed."

"It's fucking completed now, isn't it? But here we are, with Shinji in one bed and Minato in another, and neither of them awake like they should be," Akihiko said. "Gods, it was bad enough that Shinji got hurt, but Minato too. He was just starting to come out of his shell and enjoy life a bit. It's not fair, Aigis. They both had so much living left to do. It's just. So fucking unfair."

"I do not understand what you mean by 'fair' and 'unfair.' But I too am . . . frustrated that Minato-kun is unable to enjoy his youth because of this development."

Akihiko snorted a little at that, and glanced up at Aigis sympathetically. "Thanks, Aigis. I don't know if you meant that to be comforting, but it kind of worked."

"You are most welcome, Sanada-san. Would it interest you to know that I sensed a change in Aragaki-san's brain activity?"

Akihiko lifted his head, eyes wide. "What? When?"

"It started when you first spoke, and has continued to the current moment. It seems Aragaki-san is aware of your presence to some degree."

"Shinji can hear me?" Akihiko choked out. He sat up and turned to his unconscious friend. "Shinji? Please wake up? I miss you so much." Akihiko reached for Shinji's hand and laced their fingers together. He dropped his head back onto the sheets, unable to hold in the sobs any longer. He didn't need to keep up his positive facade in front of Aigis. "Please, Shinji. I need you."

"Sanada-san," Aigis said, her voice sounding oddly urgent.

Akihiko was about to ask what she wanted when he felt it. The slightest squeeze of his hand. "Shinji?" Shinji's grip tightened again, stronger this time, strong enough that Akihiko knew it wasn't a fluke. "Can you hear me? Please, just open your eyes, Shinji."

And after the longest moment, Akihiko's pulse roaring in his ears, he did. The whole world ground to a halt around them, and the only things that existed in that moment were the quiet beeps of the machines, and Shinji's half-lidded eyes, crinkling at the corners.

For a second, Akihiko sat frozen, unable to think. And then he was on his feet, scrambling to the door, torn between staying at Shinji's side and getting someone, anyone to come reassure him that Shinji was, in fact, okay. Logic won out.

" _Doctor!_ " Akihiko cried out. "Somebody! Shinjiro's awake!"

Beside him, one of the machines started beeping frantically. Akihiko pushed himself away from the door and turned. It was Minato's monitor. The boy's pulse was going wild, numbers fluctuating in ways that even Akihiko could tell weren't normal.

Minato sat bolt upright, his eyes wide. Half a dozen things were yanked out of place, cords and tubes and machines colliding and tangling. Aigis was at his side in a split second.

Nurses charged into the room, swarming the two boys' beds. Akihiko found himself being pushed into the corner, unable to help but unwilling to leave the room. He could only manage one, all-consuming thought.

Shinji was awake.

 

-

_All night through the weekend_

-

 

So hell was a void and Akihiko's voice. The first thing Shinji registered when his afterlife began was how miserable Aki sounded. Shinji wanted to reach out and pull Aki close, but he didn't seem to have a body. All he could do was listen.

It was a special kind of torture. Shinji wasn't sure how long it had been since he'd died. Akihiko's voice came and went, soft and pleasant, telling Shinji about his day and giving updates about the others. Nothing related to the Shadows or the Dark Hour. And always with an undercurrent of sorrow.

Sometimes, Shinji thought he could feel Akihiko's hand holding his, warm and solid, but how that was even possible given his _lack of form_ , Shinji didn't know.

More often, Shinji thought he could hear an awfully familiar voice, softer than Aki's. Childlike. A little girl asking questions about Akihiko and how he was doing. She called him Aki, and Shinji couldn't be sure that the voice was anything other than his imagination, because not even Mitsuru or Arisato called Akihiko that.

Shinji talked to her anyway, somehow. He couldn't speak aloud, but she somehow heard his thoughts. Her voice kept him sane, oddly enough. It was comforting. She seemed too sweet to be spending her time in hell with him. Surely she belonged in a different afterlife?

But after a long stretch of quiet, Akihiko was suddenly telling him about graduation, how bittersweet it was to finally reach this milestone without his best friend and his little sister to celebrate with him. Mitsuru's commencement speech was as perfect as expected. All the underclassmen showed up with flowers and gifts. Junpei was dating a girl named Chidori now, and Yukari and Aigis were kind of a couple, and Mitsuru was getting on Akihiko's case about getting hung up on Shinji. Shinji had to agree with their redheaded friend. That was how things were supposed to go. Aki was supposed to move on and enjoy his life, make a new best friend and find someone else to fall in love with. He deserved that much, at least.

Shinji couldn't be sure how long it was, but Akihiko was back sooner than usual. He held Shinji's hand in silence, and there were new voices that Shinji couldn't quite make out. When Akihiko spoke, he wasn't addressing Shinji.

"So now Minato's stuck in a coma, too?"

 _Too?_ Who the fuck else was in a coma? Who else got hurt after Shinji died? But no one answered him.

Not long after, Shinji heard a familiar voice.

_I'm so happy I got to see you again, Shinji. But Aki needs you now._

The little girl was back.

_What do you mean? I know you? Is Aki in trouble? How can I help him if I'm dead?_

The girl laughed quietly, and a hazy memory sparked in Shinji's mind. _What, forgot me already? Of course you know me. And you're not dead, Shinji. Just visiting. It's time to go home now._

"- here we are, with Shinji in one bed and Minato in another, and neither of them awake like they should be."

Shinji felt - _felt_ \- his heartbeat stutter. He had a heartbeat. He wasn't dead. He was the other one Akihiko was talking about. He was still fucking alive and in a fucking coma, and _he was the reason Akihiko sounded so fucking sad_.

 _So, are you just going to leave him hanging?_ the girl asked. _Don't you think you've spent long enough here with me?_

Someone - Aigis - said something quietly. He heard Akihiko choke out, "Shinji can hear me?"

 _Yes! I can hear you!_ But he had no voice, nothing to scream with. Here he was, perfectly aware of Akihiko begging him to wake up, and he couldn't _move_.

_You're not trying hard enough, Shinji. C'mon, he needs you. He misses you._

_I know! I'm trying!_

"Please, Shinji, I need you," Akihiko said.

 _C'mon Shinji. He's_ right _there. You can feel him, can't you? Focus, Shinji._

He grasped for an anchor to ground him, and it was suddenly so obvious. Akihiko's hand. Shinji could feel Aki's hand, solid and warm. _Please_. _Please let him feel this_. He squeezed as hard as he could.

Akihiko squeezed back.

He had a hand, and if he could feel it, he had an arm, connected to a body. Bodies were solid and heavy and had to obey the laws of physics. Shinji felt the return of gravity like a ton bricks being dropped on his chest.

He had a body. He was alive. He could open his eyes. He could see Aki again.

 _Almost there,_ the girl said, and Shinji could hear her smiling. _Tell Aki I miss him, and I love him, 'kay? I have to watch from here, so take care of him for me. Bye, Shinji. Thanks for keeping me company._

Shinji forced his eyes open, and looked straight up into Akihiko's soft grey gaze. For some reason, he thought he could smell the faintest whiff of smoke, and _oh_.

 

-

_Saying that I love him but_

-

 

The commotion dragged on as the doctors fussed over Shinji and Minato. Two coma patients, both suddenly waking up at the _exact same time_ \- they were understandably perplexed. After endless tests and examinations, they finally gave up and simply wrote off the two boys as healthy, if more than a little disoriented.

Akihiko knew he should call Mitsuru to tell her the news, but he was frozen in place, eyes fixed on Shinji. He sat scowling as the doctors removed his IV and ordered him to stay in bed for another day while they monitored his condition.

As soon as the doctors were gone, Akihiko found himself shifting forward and throwing himself into Shinji's waiting arms. All the heartache he'd shoved down since October forced its way up his throat until he was choking on his sobs, face buried in Shinji's shoulder.

"I thought I told you not to cry over me anymore," Shinji said half-heartedly, his voice hoarse and quiet from disuse. "Gods, I missed you, Aki."

Akihiko felt Shinji's hands clench into fists around the back of his blazer, still so strong. The grip of a man clinging to something precious.

"Give me a break, Shinji," Akihiko coughed through his tears, pulling back to look Shinji in the face. "You've been in a coma for four fucking months. You were out so long you _grew a damn beard._ I'll cry if I fucking want to."

Shinji's grip loosened and his hands wandered up to cup the back of Akihiko's neck. His eyes were bright and misty, brimming over with tears. "How many second chances am I going to ruin before I get just one go of it where you don't shed a single tear?"

"None, because I swear to fuck, I'll cry for the happy shit just as often," Akihiko answered fiercely. He pressed his forehead to Shinji's and breathed in deep. His - partner? friend? boyfriend? - smelled of antiseptic and cheap brandless soap, but he no longer smelled of death, and Akihiko's Persona knew it too, roaring with unabashed joy in the back of his consciousness.

"Pol's really glad you're alive, you fucker."

"So's Cas," Shinji said, grinning. His expression suddenly turned serious. "Aki, there's something I gotta tell you, about when I was unconscious."

"What? Aigis told me you could hear me or something," Akihiko said, feeling his cheeks warm. He hadn't exactly been overly sentimental, but he had spent nearly all of his free time at Shinji's bedside, when Mitsuru wasn't forcibly dragging him outside to spend time with the rest of the team.

Shinji's frown lifted a millimeter. "Yeah, I could, actually. It was painful. You sounded fucking miserable all the time, but it was nice, knowing what all of you were getting up to without me." He paused and scrubbed at his face, hunching his shoulders a little. "I uh, I think - I think Miki was there with me."

 

-

_I know I'm gonna leave him_

-

 

Shinji held Akihiko's head and watched as his face contorted with a dozen competing emotions. Aki squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his forehead to Shinji's shoulder, seizing his hospital gown with a deathgrip.

"Miki? How - was she okay? You 'think' she was there? Did you see her? Did - does she miss me?"

Shinji smoothed Aki's hair gently, rubbing his back the way Aki had done for him, back in the bathroom of the dorms. "I didn't see her. I was in some sort of limbo, I guess, and I couldn't really see or feel anything, other than you holding my hand sometimes." He reached reflexively for Aki's hand and pulled it to his chest. "I knew her voice was familiar but I couldn't place it. She asked about you a lot, and how you were doing before I die- before my coma. And just now, she pushed me to wake up, because you needed me. And uh, she told me - she told me to tell you that she misses you, and that she loves you. That she's watching us. And she told me to stay here and take care of you."

"Miki," Akihiko said softly, his voice aching. "I miss you so much."

_I know, big bro. I'm so proud of you._

Akihiko jerked back, eyes wide. Shinji stared at him, opening and closing his mouth speechlessly.

_Bye, big bro. I'm glad you and Shinji have each other._

"Miki, wait!" Aki cried out, glancing around desperately. "Hold on, there's so much I want to say to you!"

_Don't worry. I've always heard every word. I have to go now. Live for me, kay?_

Shinji held Akihiko against his chest as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and nodded, a bittersweet smile gracing his mouth. "Okay, Miki. I will."

 

-

_My ghost_

-

 

Akihiko burst into their apartment clutching a slightly mangled envelope. "I GOT IN," he crowed, his cry met with a series of sharp barks, and a clattering from the kitchen.

One of the bedroom doors slammed open, and Akihiko found himself tackled to the ground by three blurs of meat. He winced as his elbow struck the floor, but couldn't help bursting into laughter as Koromaru gave a happy yelp and licked his hair.

"I knew you could do it, bro!" Ken yelled, punching Akihiko in the arm. "You're so badass!"

"Nice job," Shinji mumbled into Akihiko's neck. He gave Akihiko a soft kiss, Ken complaining loudly about how gross his brothers were. "Hush kid, I'm trying to have a moment with my boyfriend."

Ken sat up and stifled a giggle. "I'm just kidding. I hope when I grow up I'll find someone I can be gross and smoochy with like you guys are with each other."

Akihiko reached out and ruffled Ken's messy brown hair. It was starting to get long, and he'd need a haircut soon. But Ken's mouth was stretched into a grin so wide he was scrunching his nose up to make room, and the sound of his brother laughing made Akihiko's chest swell. Adopting Ken was the best decision he and Shinji had ever made, even if they were going to have to go through hell and high water to make ends meet. It would be worth it, in the end, if Akihiko could just have one more moment like this, and another after that, and another, and -

And wake up to Shinji getting up at the crack of dawn for work.

Come home at the dead of night to crawl into bed beside him.

Stand proudly on the lawn of Gekkouan High as Ken received his diploma.

Stumble and claw his way through arguments and tantrums and whatever the fuck the universe wanted to throw at him.

Grow old and grey with Shinji at his side, and Koromaru's grandchildren playing at their feet.

But even if Akihiko could only have just one more day, it would all have been worth it.

 

-

_Where'd you go?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, writing in Miki's ghost almost made me cry, but I'm so glad I did it.
> 
> I hope ya'll enjoyed reading this fic as much as I loved writing it.


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